I guess I'm using this every once in a while again
cool


so that kid
yeah
nevermind
I loose
a lot

and tyler's going away
I mean away
that's bad


I have nothing left in my life really


I'm not specific or articulate
whatever


May 5th 2008 is forever going down as one of the worst days on record
the end



oh and by the way
I miss my mommy
:[[[[


and you, Casey
if you still even read this anymore
I cherish you so much. i feel so shitty for not talking to you everyday of my life. Especially when I need you the most.

last night was prom
:]
that kid is so mine

it's been too long
and now im terrified
I want him. I want this. But im just scared.
shoot.

My name is Jackee and I should wear a sign warning people not to get close.
They'll get bored and I'll get hurt.

that I can only remember bits and pieces of one of the best days of my summer. I want that day back. That group was perfect. That place was perfect. The mood was perfect. everything. so good.

It's been so long since i've used this
wow.

I'm getting fed up with certain people, and certain pairs of people, but so is everyone else.

Jordan called me today
we had a nice conversation
for the first time in a long time
it made me the happiest I've been in a while, which isn't saying much, but I was pretty happy.
maybe he actually does care.
eh I'm paranoid

pretty much I miss the summer so much
and I can't want for winter to end, and it hasn't even begun.
bleh


oh and last friday was the funnest.

i guess it's been a while and i should let you know what's up
pretty much he called my on friday tripping on shrooms to make everything better and then we talked like yesterday seriously after talking a little bit since then and i think things are getting better
at least i hope

maybe this isn't good
im not happy
i miss him

IM DONE
IM FREE
HE'S GONE
FOREVER
there's no way e can fucking fix this
I've been lookign for something like this for a while
and i found it
he's such a fucking boy
i was mad
but now i've never been happier.
i just want ot scream
he's gone
and im free
and im happy
and im mad
and im sad
and im going crazy
but it's okay
i gave him a year and a half
but that's ok
because now im starting over
and everything's gonna be good
and i don't even care
im jsut like kjdfhjklfdhkjfdlkfjd
thank you fucking hoe bag
i was jealous
but now you'e one of the best things that's happened to me
now go on jordan
live happily ever after
you just lost one of the best things you've ever had
and if you go to talk to me tomorrow im just gonna say in a ery happy and pleasant tone "fuck off"

for the most part I have shit friends.
I love andy and ozzie and at the moment, of my "IRL" friends, that's about it.


andy and i are giving up on jordan and ian.
i can't take their bullshit anymore
it's awful
this morning we were talking and i learned i do have dreams.
i want a sunflower field, so that everyday i can look out my window and smile.
I'm gonna run away. I'm gonna drive until i find a town I like. I'm going to live there. my house will have a roof i can sit on off my bedroom window so that i can sit out all night and look at the stars. I'm going to paint the walls, not solid colors. I'm going to paint on canvas and hang it on my painted walls. I'm going to get a simple job and simply live. nothing extravagant. I want enough money to live. as soon as i get to this town and get a place to live I'm going to sell my car because im not going to need it. until i get a house ill have to live in it though. I'm not going to have internet or TV. I'm going to read. a lot. Im not going to have much responsibility. Im going to concentrate on living so that im happy. thats all. because that's all that should matter. but im not doing this alone. this is mine and andy's dream. we're going to do it together. everything is going to get better. I know it. It has to.
i just want to move away and start over. all new friends. all new town. all new me. fresh start.



oh that girl that jordan met is making me so fucking sad just by existing. why am i such a jealous assholeeeeeeee

Right now im procrastinating so bad



Last night the Armor show was fun. it was silly how many girls either hit on or where talking about Jordan. When we left and were waiting for my dad I remembered something. Actually anytime I see that wall i remember. For some reason it's one of my fondest recent memories. July. Jordan and I just left Jesse Lacey to get some food from the deli across the street because we hadn't eaten all day because we drank. So we came back from the deli and we were sitting against the wall outside the loft listening to Jesse Lacey play covers and watching the video of Soco Amaretto Lime Jordan got for me on my phone. Just sitting there. eating our muffins. Drinking our Sunkist. Smoking cigarettes. Talking. It was just so happy. Not fun exactly. But comfortable. Safe.


Tonight was alright
mostly my friends are dicks. kinda. Ozzie and Andy are the greatest though. it's been 2 years. wow. another sober Halloween. not too fun. whatever though. not too bad really. it was like okay mood, zoe got stupid so bad mood, then we got candy so alright, then everyone like ran off so bad then i saw buddy so fucking amazing then hanging out with drunk friends, so still good, then getting stopped by the cops so fucking shitty, then realizing i have a shitload of work to do so super bad. an now I'm procrastinating yay.

nothing is okay
I just want to go home
I wish I knew were that is.

I don't know and i want to
i don't get it
he's such an an arrogant piece of shit but i still love him to death and treat so well.
i don't get why i keep coming back
i want to leave
but i never could
it's all so shitty.
and now that its not just me i feel even worse about the whole thing



FUCK YOU JORDAN, YOU MAKE ME SICK

every single thing is going to shit and i fucking hate it

friday was fucked
and im too lazy to tell all about it right now
yesterday was alright
city.
yeah.
today was soooooooo sad
louise left and like jdhsfkjdlflds
i want her back
and my dad's a dickass
ahhh
im so sad
i can't see her until august most likely
fuckthatttttttt
errrrr

ugh
those boys get me so down
:\

let's see
it's been a while
pretty much jordan and ian are kinda dickfaces but whatever
louise is super sweet
she's funny
homecoming was good at times and at other superbad
pretty much we won the game, and all during it jordan and ian were drinking and wouldn't let me because there wasn't enough
so during the dance i couldn't actually dance because like i don't do that too much.
nadia cried and i felt horrible but she kinda didnt wanna be around us because drinking makes er really uncomfortable. and we all had a bit earlier in town. so yeah. anyway. jordan and ian were super fucked up. ian like ran out randomly adn me and nastasja followed because we were sdcared for him. turns out once you leave you can't go back so we're sitting outside for the next half hour and it's soooooo cold. ugh. nothing else too exciting happened really. jordan was slutty at the dance but whatever. i almost cried. but whatever. today was good, but then in the park it was stupid.

a year ago today i found something out about christina
ive been reading my old entries from each day
and my life was so much drama
lameeee


and now
i have a scotish student-louise
and she's absolutely lovely
=]

too many entries in one day but
everything with him has gone fine since that little explosion in early july. now there's hella tension. I can sense a fight coming on and i don't really like it hopefully it can be helpful but still. it always sucks. and the worst part is that i know it's gonna be about how he's trying to protect me. how he's trying to limit what i can do, drug-wise, and i really don't like when my friends try to control me. and whe i ask why he says because i don't deserve it, but when we'e alone it's because he doesn't want to feel responsible if something bad happens but it's not his fault hes not my babysitter. maybe im insane, but i kinda just want to have some fun.

wow
way to know me alyse


and realizing how Jackee hurt both Emily and myself, more her than me really
i didn't know her like too close but she did and man that was just a low blow and it sucked
but we moved on to better things and pushed it out so we're fine, Jackee is a pothead which i figured she would turn into just based on the people she hangs out with and plus she used to do it like a lot before hanging with us



I'm deff far from a pothead. sorry and the first time i smoked was last november. so shes wrong again. it kinda pisses me off when people have these thoughts about who i am or was and really don't know shit. i shouldn't care because i don't like her but i do. and once again, my friends aren't all potheads, and the ones that are aren't bad people for it.
so how about this


fuck you.

wow
I was reading emily's blogspot (because im creepy and like to keep tabs on how people i dislike are doing) and it was talking about how she read her old lj. she found the post jordan and i made and she intantly knew it was me. she went on talking about how much me leaving her for "friends that smoke pot and drink and hang out in town all the time"
she was saying how much it hurt. but she did learn from that. and i can't complain there. but it almost made me feel bad. although i am really happy with who is in my life right now. and she shouldn't judge them like that. because it's really not true. and not all stoners are bed people.
ugh whatever.



oh and i like how a fucking top 8 controls my happiness. why do i suck so bad.


fallen wet leaves on the road at night. red and orange and yellow. matted to the pavement. glowing in the headlights. i like how that looks.